Pearls of Wisdom

At last Monday’s BOE meeting, Ada Garcia commented that “Our interim superintendent has been saying to parents that he has a nuclear bomb that would bring this town to its knees. He has said it to several parents, and we just want to know what that is because. It’s become quite a scare for all of us.”

While clearly her comments were meant to elicit a strong BOE member and audience reaction, I don’t think she truly believed that any attendee would take her comments at face value. 

While Paula Colbath, Esq. later clarified Ms. Garcia’s remarks, the damage had apparently been done. When a young middle school student expressed fear and commented to the BOE about the possibility of the superintendent having a nuclear bomb, it was both humorous and tragic. It appeared that she truly believed that it was possible. 

There were a number of 7th- and 8th-graders in the room, young and impressionable. Perhaps one could have gone home and written a letter regarding this matter. 

Dear Mr. Engravalle:

I don’t really believe that you have a nuclear bomb. But just on the long shot that I am wrong, my friends and I would love to discuss this matter with you. As a group, we intend to eventually pursue careers in politics, and this might be a golden opportunity. 

The Fort Lee school system has had many problems over the years. First and foremost, there have been numerous superintendents over the last 10 years. Even an 8th grade student could figure out that there cannot be any continuity in the schools without a leader with strong goals and who has time to implement those goals. He/she would need a solid Board of Education for support and, of course, money to accomplish those goals.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like that is ever going to happen so we obviously have to come up with a different plan.

If you really have a nuclear bomb, we need to use it to put Fort Lee on the map. Just like “The Mouse That Roared”(1), Fort Lee can become “the Duchy of Grand Fenwick” and conquer the world. We can intimidate all the neighboring towns. By annexing Englewood Cliffs, Alpine and Tenafly, we can increase our tax base with all those wealthy residents, and more importantly, we can absorb the Tenafly School system, one of the best in the State of New Jersey, and utilize their resources. We can rename the new community “The Empire of Fort Lee.” We can create an oligarchy of high school students since, obviously, the adults haven’t done a very good job. We can add new meaning to the term “nuclear family.”

Even though you are an adult, we welcome you to join our group, if for no other reason than that you are the one with the bomb. We will provide the manpower to install the new regime, and you can oversee it until we have a little more experience.

Please get back to us as soon as possible. We are most anxious to begin. 

Sincerely yours,

Holden Caulfield III

1. The Mouse That Roared -1955 Cold War satirical novel by Irish-American writer Leonard Wibberley.
2. My apologies to J.D. Salinger.