Pearls of Wisdom

As I was picking up some milk from a local deli on Main Street, it was difficult not to cringe at all the empty stores on the block.  I glanced at the empty Blimpies and realized how much this town really needed that store.  The owners weren’t really that nice, but the sandwiches were pretty good and very reasonably priced.  There used to be a Kosher Deli on the block, but that is long gone. Sally Ling’s is now closed, but we still have the China Star. Callahan’s is long gone, but Hiram’s remains as the town’s burger and hot dog “joint”. Blockbuster’s bit the dust in 2010, followed in 2011 by Border’s Books. There hasn’t been a movie theater in Fort Lee in forever, but the Edgewater Complex is convenient enough.  For those of us old enough to remember the old Westerns, Fort Lee is beginning look like a ghost town in some ways. 

Recently, there have been reports that the lawsuits regarding the Centuria project are being resolved and the matter will be settled amicably. Some people speculate that this development will save the community, but I’m not so optimistic.  First of all, the planning for this project has been going on for over thirty-five years, a major part of the redevelopment plan for Fort Lee back in the 1970’s. Even if it is completed and boosts the Fort Lee economy, it will bury an already overcrowded school system with the children of the new resident influx. Traffic certainly will become worse than ever, and parking spaces during the day will be at a premium.    

There is one great anomaly to all this pessimism. Fort Lee has at least ten bank branches on Lemoine Avenue and eight on Main Street. Googling “banks: Fort Lee”, I amassed twenty-four hits, with Valley National and Bank of America having multiple branches. If the population of Fort Lee is 37,559 (2010 census), my calculations show approximately one bank for every 1500 residents. 

In case anyone believes that I am exaggerating, google shows (in no special order): Wilshire Bank, Bank of America (3), Nara Bank, Valley National,Woori America Bank, Hinshan America Bank, Bank of New Jersey (3), Citibank, Chase (3), Wells Fargo (2), Capital One, TD Bank, Royal Asian Bank, Bank Asiana, BNB Bank NA, 1st Constitution Bank, Newbank, North Jersey Community(2), Panasia, Royal Bank of America, Hudson City Savings, PNC Bank, Fort Lee Federal Savings, Terrace Capital NJ.

What is really going on? Was the entire population of Fort Lee teleported by Scotty to Switzerland? Have the Cayman Islands arrived in America by way of Fort Lee?!

It really doesn’t matter. The solution is obvious. Open more banks; forget about other businesses! Market Fort Lee as the banking capital of New Jersey, of the Tri-State area!  We should put signs on the GS Parkway, on Routes 95, 4, 80, and 46, inviting everyone to bank in Fort Lee. The banks should start serving cocktails and providing free entertainment. It appears that Lady Gaga is always available, so she would be fine for starters. We can open casinos in the back rooms, so even more money will flow into the coffers. Finally, legislation should be passed by our Town Council, mandating that all the banks should be jointly owned by the entire community, so we finally would have enough money to build new schools. 

I hope Jonathan Swift would be proud of me. His “Modest Proposal” of 1729 and his other satires were, in his words, “to vex the world, not to divert it”. His essays often made British government officials shake their heads in disbelief. My goals are more modest. I simply want the Fort Lee Town Council to wake up and start addressing the major financial problems in this community.